God's Will??????

Okay.....I am going on a rant....and may seem harsh here.

But this is my blog and I can write whatever I want to right?

Right. Beware now....if you are sensitive to a curse word

here or there, you may want to stop reading now.

I am so stinking sick of these phrases.....

1. "God's will for your life is........."

2. " Praying for God's will......."

3. "You are not walking in God's will...." (this one makes my stomach turn)

4. "Good Christian......"

To hear these coming out of any one's mouth makes me want to vomit.....That is mine, .....My woundings.....I confess here before every reader that I have been so guilty of it! I have said it, believed it....lectured it. I am so disgusted with myself for that. Disgusted for not trusting myself enough either...but thinking someone else would be able to tell me what to do, say, or think. That they have a direct line to God's will for me b/c I don't. (insecurity) Going from one person or thing to the next (like the ship on the sea going from wave to wave), trying to get "God's will...peace.....whatever......." My shit. I own it. My fault.

I have allowed myself to be manipulated. I, for a time, was believing that people were manipulating and controlling me.....DAMN!........no.......I was allowing it! Its just as much my fault as it is theirs...but mostly mine. WOW what a revelation!!!!

I am so angry with myself because, I (growing up as a people pleaser/performer....and saying that does not allow me to use that as a crutch or be a victim) have fallen back into the trap. The trap of talking to and listening to way too many people's opinions about what they think I should do, think, say, be.......I thought I had broken free of this....

I went up on the mountain, and I touched intimacy with God. I knew his presence in my life. I communed with him. I left changed and free and a "people pleaser" no more (among other things) I walked in more confidence, less insecurity, more love, mercy, grace, and dare I say it....yes humility......(is it humble to say that I was humble). There are two kinds of humility too.....false humility...and the real deal. I'd like to think I touched the real deal. I know I am flawed. I have fallen back into many of the things I broke free of on that mountain...and been in the valley.

People say our true character is revealed not in the great times....but in the valleys and in how we handle those valleys. I have learned a lot about pain and loss and how we handle it. I don't agree that our true character is revealed in the valleys anymore. I believe it is just that our emotions can be so overwhelmed.....and what we need to do is go to the one true source of peace....God...not others. And what does that mean? Going to God for our peace....that is for us as individuals to decide....Boy do I wish I had learned this earlier in life. It would have saved me so much heart ache. You can bet, my children will be taught this principle.

So how the hell does anyone know what God's will for MY life is? I want to scream and shout sometimes for people to focus on their own life...but in truth...I would be screaming at myself for going to them in the first place and seeking their opinions.....for allowing someone else's perceptions to shape me...to influence me in ways that really, only God should. Shit...what a concept. Allowing God to shape me instead of others? Wow....

I know I will get some flack from some readers for saying curse words. I choose to live authentically and express myself freely. I believe this too....Jesus hung with the roughest of men...and I bet they cussed here and there...and he loved them regardless...he met them right where they were...and he used them to carry out his mission to love others, and spread the good news to the lost, the sick, and the hurting.

What I have come to realize (again) and what I am embracing (now) is this......

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.....Micah 6:8

THIS! THIS! THIS is His will for ME. He wants me to be in His peace! He doesn't want me to DO anything. He wants me to BE!!!! BE just, BE merciful, BE humble, BE in Him....in his presence. (and that looks different for everyone...my being in his presence may be completely different from someone else's...lets step out of the box a little...come on!)

"Be still and know....." Psalm 46:10

"I only need to be still..." Exodus 14:14 ...

"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." Matt 22:37-38

That is his will. If what I am doing or saying doesn't line up with that, then, well I must be out of his will.

And then...I dare propose Christians......

Who is anyone to JUDGE if I am following these?

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven"..Luke 6:37

“If anyone hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge that person. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world"..John 12:47....

Hell, Jesus didn't even come to judge me....he said so right there! So why should anyone else hold me in judgement???? What a ##$%^&@# concept!

I am soooo sick of the judgement!!!! Stop it! Stop it! Christians! Stop it! Christians, we are killing peoples souls...in His name! I am sure Christ grieves that in His name we do some awful things......Start loving! And if you can't love, then just shut it up and be quiet. Stop talking!

Lets get simple. I choose to love. I choose to be. I choose to see people's gold. I wish they would see mine. I am thankful for the few who have chosen to see my gold....But if they don't....then I need to be okay with that too. If they don't....then have a nice life....I don't have time for it anymore... I am not perfect. I will never claim it. I will disappoint. I will mess up. I have already. But I do have gold. It is there.

I am a righteous heir to the King....

"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" 2 Corinthians 5:21

My shit is paid for already so why should I have to re-live it with anyone else's judgements? And I promise you, I won't judge any of you for your shit either.....

I think that is enough for now....stay tuned. There is definately more to come. AND......I know its been stated that I have let people down cuz "I am no longer the conservative Christian woman" I am supposed to be. Well that is not mine to carry....that is theirs... So if by me thinking outside your box bothers you.....move along......