tears taste different

I learned a few things about myself last night......

My tears have character:

My tears taste different according to emotion. How bout that random fact. Tears of joy, happiness, and even pain (physical) have a taste. Have you ever tasted your tears? What I realized last night, was that tears of sorrow have a completely different taste altogether. They don't taste good either....mine are extremely salty and pungent. And they are hotter!

Stress verses sadness:

I learned too that under stress....I am able to continue to function fairly well...I can perform, meet goals, and carry on. Under stress, I lose weight though, because I cannot eat. Now Sadness, is a completely different story. Sadness wants the comforts of a rich decadent chocolate treat....Sadness paralyzes....Sadness tries to snuff out the very life of me....making everyday tasks completely challenging....like laundry, working, grocery shopping. If I have been present for my children in that particular sad day, then it has been an accomplishment....as that is my number one goal everyday...to be fully present for them.

Stress presents itself in the pit of my stomach.....Sadness, right under the heart, where my ribs meet up. Heavy and pressing, sadness takes my breath away sometimes. Stress just gnaws at my stomach all day long. Stress is there, and you can just live with it......Sadness will just pop up at any given random time....it can be triggered by a thought, a song, a simple phrase spoken......

I admit to all my readers that I am a broken person now. I read something posted on fb though that did give me comfort....about the woman with the alabaster jar. I had to copy it.....

"While in Bethany,a woman came w/ an alabaster jar of ointment(perfume),very costly & precious,she broke the jar & poured over His head."Mark 14:3

She said on her post...."People are afraid of brokenness.If the outer person is broken,powerful things in you can pour out.Perfume of the Holy Spirit is in you,the jar(the flesh)has to be broken for perfume to be released.Allow God to do w/ you as He wills,knowing that everything in life changes."

I am not afraid of brokenness...I just don't like it. I wonder if all the tears are part of the release?

How He Loves - John Mark McMillan - Legendado

bringin our scraps to the table

I heard a sermon today, and one thing the speaker said, I just had to write down. He was talking about "coming to the table" and it just so happened today at the table was the Lords supper. He spoke of a church body's members at the table.....and sometimes the best meals are those made up of the broken up food, and the "scraps" Wow, I felt a bit encouraged. I am broken. I feel like just a scrap right now. But I can still contribute to a beautiful meal! I know that may not be a huge revelation to everyone. For me, It was H-U-G-E. My brokenness and my scraps are worthy to bring to His table.

Today, my salvation was put into question by a friend. A lot of accusations have been hurled at me...A lot of concerns have been voiced...some in the name of love, some in the name of "christianity" I have in my journey been told by many what they think "what His will for my life is" "what His will isn't" "what He wants to do" "what I should or shouldn't do" Not once have I had my salvation questioned. My safe circle of friends keeps shrinking. When will it be okay for me to be real....for me to share my heart and my questions, my anger, my TRUE feelings....and not be condemned or have my mere Christianity questioned?

I know I am saved....praise Him .....only by grace.....not by my thoughts, my actions, questions, or judgements or decisions.....Thankfully, I am reminded of a simple phrase..... A friend one time said, "its simple....you either know him or you don't." That simple. I know that I know you. It still hurts to be judged.

If my faith is supposed to wrapped up in a neat little bow all pretty and crisp, with my pretty little paper just perfect, all decorated with the glitter of false humility, and "glory halleluah's and praise the Lords...." then I don't want that kind of faith anymore. I have questions. I have hurts. I have "work" I know it is not a prettily wrapped up box. The bow is tattered, and the paper is ripped up a bit.....It is messy. For now, I guess it is gonna be me wading in this messy swamp....just me and God. I am sticking with my "few" women....and my list gets smaller each day. In this, I feel so alone. I want to be authentic. I just suppose this is what it is supposed to be anyway....just God and me?

Dear God

Dear God,

I know in times of sorrow, hardship, and times that are not ideal, I should be thankful. I should reflect on the things I am thankful for. Among the things I am thankful for, besides my health and my children... are two sisters. I want to especially thank you for:

Thank you for the great times I have had with my boy. My little man. He is such a joy. I love his hugs, his sweet "I love you's" and all his smiles and giggles. That every night I am with him, my 9 year old boy still wants me to sing to him and scratch his back when I tuck him in. And that the nights I am not with him, he calls me just to say goodnight and he loves me....What an amazing little boy with an amazing heart you have entrusted into my care.

Thank you for my darling angel girl. Her beautiful heart shines and radiates. She loves you so and it blesses me to hear her prayers on the nights I am with her. I love our talks each day, and her cheerful heart always. What a precious heart she has. Thank you for my darling girl....who in so many ways is just like me.....

I thank you Lord for friend #1. Lord, there are many people in my life who say they are friends.....and there are different "levels and depths" of friendships. I thank you for friend #1....because this week, you sent this friend to me to BE with me. Not talk, not condemn, not share her picture of what "she thinks your will for my life is" or even quote Bible verse after Bible verse into me....but to just BE with me.

I know your word is good....don't get me wrong. But this day and week, you provided for what I needed...What I NEEDED.... Thank you that on a phone call, she came to me at the drop of a hat, got in the bed with me, and lay with me while I cried, laughed, or just talked. I thank you for her love.....unconditional love no matter......

I thank you for friend #2....who COMPLETELY "gets" me...for she truly "gets" my story. She has lived it herself.....She understands the deep places in my heart. She too, has listened, not judged, not smeared another's name.......but only honored ME and MY heart. I thank you for her availability to me to hear me when I need her.....and to love me too.....Her story, gives me hope.......thanks for sending her to me....

And then..........I am soooooo thankful for my biological sister. My sister, from the beginning of my trials, has said, "I love you no matter." Never once have I felt judgement...never once from her have I heard, "________is God's will for you." Thank you for her loving support of ME.....she is a treasure......

You God, have loved me through these gifts this week and I count myself truly blessed

Thank you

Your MPW

What's your color????

Choosing our wardrobe reveals much more about you than just your "style". I am learning that even the colors I choose to wear that day reflect and actually affect my mood that day as well.

In researching, I have found that color can stimulate or inhibit certain behaviors. Advertising executives,Psychologists, and even the fitness industry has known this all along....

Research shows that exercise is best performed in an environment of warm colors, such as reds and oranges, and then blues and greens are good for mental concentration.

Even in Literature.......poets and authors tap into a deeper interpretation of the colors. Red with rage, green with jealousy, purple passion, feeling blue, he is yellow, are common.

I read about a Swiss psychiatrist named Carl Jung who encouraged his patients to use color in their paintings to express the deepest unconscious part of their psyches. I know I have gone through favorite color phases.....In my single years, into even about 5 years ago...I LOVED red!!!! Then, I went through a phase of green a few years back. In the last year I found that I LOVE yellow! Yellow purses, yellow dresses (I wore to a convention last summer)...I almost bought a yellow car back in September. My sweet daughter now every time she sees something yellow, says, "Mom, look, a yellow ________!"

I am also very in tune with pink right now. Don't know why, but lately everything I buy, whether a journal, day planner, scarf, or shirt....has been pink. So if I tie that into my personality, what would that Swiss psychiatrist say about me?????

He said, Extroverts favor red (yah!), introverts prefer blue (never liked blue), yellow is the choice of intellectuals (REALLY?????), and well-balanced individuals tend to go for green (hmmmm!) Pink is a color for new beginnings. Gray and Black, they typically signify wanting to blend in, not stand out. Not sure about that as I know some people who love to wear those colors.

So, what are you wearing today? Are you being influenced by your mood and choosing your clothes accordingly today? Or, is your clothing today influencing you?

Today, I choose to be pink..... and possibly, a smidgen of green.....

What are you wearing?????

Today, I changed clothes twice.

At first, I was wearing my skinny jeans, with a delicate creamy colored tunic...lacy and feminine....and my brown boots. But, then I realized, I didn't feel this way AT ALL! So I changed clothes.

Now, its my skinny jeans, my yellow and black and white whimsy rain boots(it is rainy today)....my bright green parka with the belt tied tightly at the waist...don't wanna look frumpy or anything. I do have a waist. Because my roots are two weeks overdue for color....I chose a favorite hat and did the piggy tail thing today. I love that my hair is long enough to do fun pig tails if I feel like it. My Color gets touched on Friday....an entirely different post....as I am feeling very creative. I keep experimenting with streaks.....I do believe I will do something very daring this Friday with my color.

I surveyed myself in the mirror.....Yep, that is the way I am feeling today....with a nod, a little bit (not a lot) of make-up, I am out the door.

as I reflect on my choice, and why, it leads me to do a little research on color therapy, and ask my readers, "what are you wearing?" and then, "why?"

So, what are you wearing today??????

Tomorrow, I will post some information that I have found to be extremely telling.............

Peace out!

Have Mercy for Lives that are shattered
cast with hard doctrine and creed
If it's only the idols that mattered
Plaster would be all they need

David Wilcox...from the song Cast Off

The entire Song Cast Off resonates with me immensely! I love it! I am ripping off hard doctrine and creed in my life. Ripping off "Christianese" theology.......The ugly smelly fraying thing has not served me well. Has crippled me.....I've kept it on longer than I ever needed it. Atrophy set in, now the painful physical therapy and retraining comes.....discovering TRUTH. Truth about me, and truth about God's love, and truth about what HE says to me and about me. Its so easy to fall into the traps and cliche's.....even when I think I am aware of them....I get sucked in......

Don't know what my therapy will look like. Don't know how long it will take.....Don't give a darn....just know its gonna happen. Its gonna hurt...but its gonna make me stronger for sure....

In a sermon recently, I heard this statement, and it sooo resonated with me. The quote was, "You are not responsible for other people's judgements or perceptions of you" That set me free. It is so true. I am not responsible for any one's perception of how I am living my life. As a former "people pleaser/ performer" I hear it and I believe it in my head....even receive it in my heart sometimes......but can I truly live that out in my daily life and not worry about what others think of me or my decisions.

Or, what about what people think of my past decisions? That's huge. I am thankful for many people in my life who love me no matter. You know, Jesus "did life" with a lot of screw ups.....

Think about it.....

Tax Collectors

Adulterers (Yep, some of the women in his inner circle)

Men who denied him over and over

Men who doubted him

Insecure men who fought over who He liked most

Fishermen...(I bet they had some real foul language too!)

the man who betrayed him

These, the men and women in his inner circle! With all their junk, HE saw their gold.

I wanna see the gold. I pray my gold will outweigh my junk.

I must daily break off that people pleaser mentality... God knows my heart. So not to sound like an "I don't care what the *##@# you think" kinda girl...I know in my heart how I am living and my choices and when I screw up....I can name them...own them....ask forgiveness if needed....and move on....

That is so so hard. Especially now, as I have made recent choices that were, well, a disappointment......to put it mildly. I AM experiencing GRACE..... My heart still hurts over certain areas. I cannot live my life though for others.....for what they think I need to do. I have to get myself "centered" and on stable ground. Then, and only then can I say with a clear conscience my decisions are right.

I am learning a lot about asking for the things I need. I have come to understand that when I ask for what I need, I may not get it......but for me to ask for it is powerful. I asked a new friend this weekend on a women's weekend where the brownies were, cuz I was cravin me some sweets. There were NO sweets for us at meals.....but, this dear woman showed me love, in that later, she came to me and said, "you asked for what you needed, would you like a piece of chocolate?" I know that seems funny, but for me, it was very powerful. Yeah, I asked for what I needed......a little comfort food.....fully expecting not to have any at all. But this sweet lady, blessed me later on.....

So, what I really NEED NOW, is to heal from some things, and be able to have safe spaces to do so in my own timing, in my own way....without any pressure, condemnation, control, or guidance other than my counselor, or when I ask for it. What I NEED is to be able to look "you" in the eye and smile a knowing smile that "its all good"

I've learned a lot in the last few months about loving others through their shit. I don't hold judgement on anyone. My story has taken some twists and turns that will I know let me love on others someday in a way I may never have been able to love them otherwise. For this reason, I am thankful for my current pain. I NEED to embrace it....feel it.....heal.......with wisdom, courage, and GRACE.

I am so thankful for the GRACE.

I cannot recover from the trauma of knowing that my actions have cost many pain?

Choices have consequences...good or bad.

you reap what you sow.....

In a whirlwind of emotion, I realize the truth in all of these sayings. Not only have poor choices I have made recently costed me......but like the pebble thrown into a pond and the ripples continue out......my choices have affected many other's lives. I regret pain I have brought them way more than myself. I have hurt people....and yes, I have been deeply hurt by people too.....My heart aches for over my pain and yes I grieve for their pain I have caused many. Broken, hurting, and I know people tell me to lay "it" at his feet. I don't know what that looks like. It seems like just something Christians say...."lay it at his feet" There is no comfort.

I am not the Mighty Princess Warrior I had tattooed on my wrist. I want to be. I am in a dark place right now. I know God doesn't grade sin.....sin is sin, yet I feel like some of the things I have chosen lately have taken me very far away. I have let many people down, and I am sorry. As I work through my pain, I my blogs may not be what you are looking for.