.....and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3

Sometimes, I look at my life, and as I definately relate to the verse above that the ashes in my life, have been replaced by His beauty, I think of this ancient mythological bird the Pheonix.......

This beautiful scarlet and golden Phoenix bird is represents recovery, especially after calamity. It originates from the traditions of ancient Phoenicia, yet is seen in greek mythology, and even traced in the Bible......

(Psalm 92:12 and Job 29:18)

The bird traditionally lives near a cool well which it visits each morning to bathe and sing. It is a stunningly beautiful bird with an entrancing song. When the Phoenix reaches the end of its life, it’s said to build itself a nest of aromatic spices such as cinnamon and myrrh. It then sets the nest and itself on fire and is burned to ashes. Shortly, the Phoenix rises again and begins its life anew.

This song says it all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdZJB_6U1aI

My Tattoo. It is looking better each day.

I am trying to take very very good care of it.

The letters that I shared yesterday, I keep in my Bible, and frequently pull out to re-read. I don't want to dwell on the sad little girl I was at age 9 and who has been a part of me for so long. I want to remember her, so that I can truly rejoice in the new creation God has begun in me. He has brought that little girl and my now woman together to his new beautiful Mighty Princess Warrior. It is only by His grace that I am free from so many of the strongholds that were set up in me for so long. Now, there are still stones that try to sneak in my garden. Some are hurled in my garden so fast, I can't even see strait and I have to dig it up and throw it out again......that really frustrates me and makes me mad by the way! I still go to counseling, I still have to read that letter from God.....and be reminded of he He sees me. I have drank in the chapters in the book of Isaiah and been so loved on.

Recently.....and I mean recently...like a few days ago....I was in so much pain and despair over some of my "still issues in my heart" and over current situations going on in my life...that I actually entertained for an evening, what would it be like to just be gone....to just end it. Kinda like a George Bailey moment from Its a Wonderful Life. Oh the enemy was really getting me good.....I immediately texted my prayer warrior friend and told her and I know her prayers immediately took affect....cuz it wasn't but 10 minutes later and I all of a sudden snapped out of it.......I distinctly remember saying, "God, I have not remembered who you have called me! I have not remembered what you have said about me! I have not embraced my new name! Help me remember!" I don't ever want to forget that I am a Mighty Woman.....I am His Precious Princess...and I am a Warrior....and Over comer! I will cast these stones out again....I will live like a Princess.....It was that moment that I knew....I would tattoo this on me. I had been thinking for years about a tattoo. I just knew when I got one, it would symbolize something and be meaningful to me. That there would be a story behind it. Well, I know have my story to share....my tattoo to remind me every day, multiple times a day of who I truly am. I am His Mighty Princess Warrior.....

My New Name......Revealed

After my resting......I knew there was work to do. Little did I know, the biggest blessing of all was on the way. You see, my councelor had given me an assignment...and to do it, I needed clarity, quiet, stillness, and rest. I now had all these things. I had no idea what this assignment would look like, but I had the tools now and the Lord! I prayed and prayed and asked for guidance. I didn't want this to be a pity party. Only truth. My councelor had assigned me to write a letter as my 9 year old girl self to the me today......and then for me today to write her back. I now knew what that little girl would say to me today, and through prayer, my response was divine.....

I share this, not for any pity, or anyone to feel sorry or angry.....only to show you my story...peices of it...and how the Lord does take ashes and make them beautiful......So, here is the letter from the little girl, at 9....whose fire and sparkle began to slowly burn out.....

Dear Shelli,

someday, I will be a grown up and I will be you. I wonder what my life will look like. I have dreams and I hope I have babies. I hope I am on actress and singer. I love to sing and dance, although my mommy says I am not good at it and laughs at me for being clumsy. Sometimes, I think I want to be a missionary too, cuz I do love Jesus. When I play with my friends, we always play rescue. It seems like My friend is always strong and the one rescuing me...in distress, but that is okay. I like it. One day, maybe I will truly be rescued. Rescued from this place where I feel unloved. Whisked away like a princess on a horse with my prince. Will I be pretty? I feel ugly. I have scabs on my legs all the time and the boys at school call me scab legs, and they call me smelly too. I Wonder if they know I still wet the bed? I cant help it. I feel ashamed and I don't like to lie, but mommy punishes me when I do. I love to do my hair and experiment with different styles. Maybe I will be a hair dresser. Will I have friends? I am so lonely cuz we just moved and I have no friends. No one likes me, my teacher is mean. I'm not a very good girl....they must all know that I am bad. I am chubby too. At least mommy says I am. She says we have to shop at the chubby jeans section at Sears. My sister is soooo skinny and so is mommy. I hope I am skinny someday. I try to diet, but its so hard. I always quit. I don't really know what I will be or where, but I just can't wait to grow up. Then I will be happy wont I? I will be big.. I am sad alot. Maybe that is why I don't have friends. I had friends in Tampa....I miss Susan so much. I can't believe we had to move. I hate it here. Someday, I will go back to see her. All my sister does is tattle and she always gets her way. I know its bad, but I really think I hate her sometimes. I'm bad for that. I am happiest when I am at church, cuz I love miss Sharon and Mr. Steve. I have some friends there, but I am always scared I'm gonna go the the devil, cause I am bad. All I know is people like it when I am happy so I will be happy. It makes mommy and daddy mad when I get sad, they make fun of me and laugh or tell me to quit being sad. So I Will be happy even when I am not, that will make them happy.....Mommy will be happy. She is so funny and she is my best friend. I really love here. So I hope when I grow up, I am happy, skinny and funny like my mommy....

Love,

Shelli (9 years old)

After I read this letter, I prayed, and this is the letter I wrote her back.....and as I reflect on it and the painful journey I am on in my current situation now.....I realize, God used my words, to write me a letter.....see if you can find my new name!

Dear Shelli,

Oh dear sweet child, you are such a beautiful and precious girl. Your eyes sparkle and shine when you are truly happy and you light up every room when you enter it. Oh sweet angel girl, you have no idea the gift you are. You are carefree, spirited, spunky, creative, and cute. You are funny too by the things you say and you make others laugh for joy. You're destined for greatness little one! Believe it. God smiles at his creation in you and you will be great because of Jesus in you. Dear one, Satan has trampled on your young and tender heart. You have no idea how marvelous and wonderful and lovely you are because the lies are so loud. Sweet girl, I wish I could erase your pain, loneliness, insecurities, and sadness, but I cannot. You want to please so bad...to feel love and acceptance. Dear girl, this I know about you....You are STRONG, your spirit may be bruised, but it will not break. You don't know it yet, but you are a warrior princess. You wont need rescuing because you will be mighty for the Lord. you will survive and be strong, until the day you realize that to be a Mighty Warrior Princess, you will need to be weak and then be built up strong, for your dependence ant be on your pretending any more. You pretend to be happy and try to be funny to please others and you want God to be happy too. Dear one, God is soooo happy with you now and he is not punishing you. I know you think you never get what you want and God will never come through for you. I promise you some day, you will see that is not true..God loves you. So do your parents. They have hurts in their hearts too and it makes it hard for them to show you they love you. Believe me, they love you. God loves you now...not because of any performance you put on...despite all that....he loves you darling girl. I know your lonely and sad...I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and hug you. I want you to know, you are not chubby, your are not skinny...you are you and it how God make you. He created you and the Bible says his creation is so GOOD not BAD...you are his precious and treasured possession and so girl, keep singing your heart out and keep on writing, and keep riding your bike....One day soon you will be a mighty princess warrior that will help rescue other hurting people. Your fire, spunk, and sweetness will be a magnet that draws people to you. You will be great. If there is one more thing I can tell you is that the Bible says your are loved with an everlasting love, so remember that when you get down...Jesus is always near you. I cannot wait to meet you on the other side of your pain...

Love,

Shelli (40 years 0ld)

My new name......Part 2

The Lord revealed to me, through my journaling, stones the Enemy had thrown into my garden a young age. The enemy loves to take a circumstance and begin to spin it, and throw accusations, belief systems, and lies. Then you grow up believing them. This is no fault of my family. I have come to learn that children will grow up with holes in their hearts, that only God can fill. In the healthiest and greatest of environments, children have wounds. I had to get to the wounds, and re-visit down deep in my core certain situations, so then and only then, God could lovingly reveal the lies set up in my heart, and then replace them with HIS truths. And that is what happened. These lies were my stones. I won't go into all of the lies.....that is for me and the Lord....as I still at times get a stone re-visit me.......however.....I will reveal to you a few and the truths He showed me....A Huge stone of Punishment, or a punishing spirit was in my garden, as well as insecurity. There were about 8 of them.

Once I realized my stones....and how they had affected me and shaped my thoughts and ways of doing life....I sought out the truth. What is it that God said about me. You see, I can't fight the lies without the truth. It was amazing to see what God revealed to me. I know this may sound crazy. I then went on a stone hunt. I sought out the perfect stones to physically symbolize my spiritual stones. They had to be just right! Some small..... One stone, I knew was huge....it would have to be perfect! On my walk, I did find it. It was mostly buried underneath the earth. I had to dig it out. Then heave it up and carry it to the edge of the cliff I was planning on hurling them off of. You see, I collected all my stones. Gathered them together for my "Stone Throwing Ceremony" and had my new truths to say goodbye to the lies....forever....Well, wishful thinking there. The Enemy, well, he likes to try to sneak them back into my garden now and then. Sometimes, when I am tired, he does manage to get one or two back in. I still struggle with Insecurity......and lets be honest......many women do.

I picked up each stone, proclaimed it out loud that it would no longer have power over me, and then I hurled it with all of my might off the cliff into the deep valley below! Then I proclaimed God's truths over me!!!! As for the Punishing spirit....well, all my life, I believed if I was "bad" and (what the heck is bad anyway....according to the world's eyes or my own false sense of good and bad set up by legalism) that God would punish me. I learned from Isaiah that: God is NOT angry with me, my sins ARE forgiven! He is NOT punishing me. Is 54:9-10 "For this is like the days of Noah to Me, when I swore that the waters of Noah would not flood the earth again; so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you Nor will I rebuke you. For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but my loving kindness will not be removed from you and my covenant of peace will not be shaken," says the Lord who has compassion on you.

He is a loving God and wants to bless me and love on me. Stone by stone, I hurled them off the cliff. The last stone, which will remain unnamed.......for now.....I went to get, and lo and behold if I wasn't sittin on it! Very appropriate, since it seemed this stone had been a system camped out in the deep recesses of my heart for a very long time. By the grace of God, I will not have to hurl it again.....because it was HEAVY. I bet 40 pounds. I picked that stone up, and heaved it over my head and I let out a battle cry as I threw it down into the valley. I felt like Brave Heart giving my battle cry.....a warrior saying NO MORE!!!!!

Again, exhausted from the activity....I needed rest. I went and laid in this hammock under a comfy quilt with my tunes for hours......I slept some, under the fresh air and the rustling of the leaves I felt so much peace. Even though I was alone.....I didn't feel lonely. Maybe that is because I really wasn't alone at all....I had my heavenly Father with me and that was the best.

I knew that more work was coming. For now, I was resting in Him. Stay tuned for the finale.....

comfort for today

Isaiah 62

¹FOR ZION'S sake will I [Isaiah] not hold my peace, and for Jerusalem's sake I will not rest until her imputed righteousness and vindication go forth as brightness, and her salvation radiates as does a burning torch.

²And the nations shall see your righteousness and vindication [your rightness and justice--not your own, but His ascribed to you], and all kings shall behold your salvation and glory; and you shall be called by a new name which the mouth of the Lord shall name.

³You shall also be [so beautiful and prosperous as to be thought of as] a crown of glory and honor in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem [exceedingly beautiful] in the hand of your God.

⁴You [Judah] shall no more be termed Forsaken, nor shall your land be called Desolate any more. But you shall be called Hephzibah [My delight is in her], and your land be called Beulah [married]; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married [owned and protected by the Lord].

⁵For as a young man marries a virgin [O Jerusalem], so shall your sons marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.

⁶I have set watchmen upon your walls, O Jerusalem, who will never hold their peace day or night; you who [are His servants and by your prayers] put the Lord in remembrance [of His promises], keep not silence,

⁷And give Him no rest until He establishes Jerusalem and makes her a praise in the earth.

⁸The Lord has sworn by His right hand and by His mighty arm: Surely I will not again give your grain as food for your enemies, and [the invading sons of] aliens shall not drink your new wine for which you have toiled;

⁹But they who have gathered it shall eat it and praise the Lord, and they who have brought in the vintage shall drink it [at the feasts celebrated] in the courts of My sanctuary (the temple of My holiness).

¹⁰Go through, go through the gates! Prepare the way for the people. Cast up, cast up the highway! Gather out the stones. Lift up a standard or ensign over and for the peoples.

¹¹Behold, the Lord has proclaimed to the end of the earth: Say to the Daughter of Zion, Behold, your salvation comes [in the person of the Lord]; behold, His reward is with Him, and His work and recompense before Him.^{B)" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; "}

¹²And they shall call them the Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you shall be called Sought Out, a City Not Forsaken.

The Day I got my new name...Part 1

This was the view from my back porch, overlooking a beautiful valley.

Back in September, I went on a trip alone. I needed time away by myself for prayer and meditation. Just to get quiet and still....and to see what the Lord would show me, if anything. The one thing I really was hoping for was a new name. See, in the Bible, God gives new names to his people. Not all of them, but He did give new names to people like Abraham, Paul, Jacob, and those are three I can think of at the moment. There is a praise and worship song I have sung that speaks of God taking my pain, and giving me a new name. The one thing I was requesting from him that weekend was to give me a new name.....a name that would I would know for sure was from him that would symbolize my journey and redemption. That name he did give me. I am not going to tell you my new name now. I will later.

I will tell you my weekend ended in such an amazing way, with a letter he wrote me. If anyone has not read THE SHACK, you may not know what I am talking about. I highly recommend this book. The author is William P Young and it is amazing! In the book, This main character gets a letter from God.... and his journey begins. His journey from his pain to healing.

I know that sounds weird to hear that I have received several letters from God. I have actually journaled this before in past blogs...He speaks to me through creative writing....usually my own spirit led writing to others, or in this case, a letter my counselor had assigned me to write to myself as a child. But the letter didn't come right away....it was actually at the end of my weekend. Over the weekend, I spent time in prayer, meditation, worship, and rest all outdoors. I did a lot of journaling too. Not once did I turn on the tv, and the computer stayed at home. I wanted NO DISTRACTIONS from the work I had set out to do. That may sound super boring to some. To some it may seem Crazy! Like how can anyone spend that much time alone!!!! Oh, I relished it! The outdoors is the place I experience God the most...pair it with my favorite songs and I am golden!!!! I even went out to eat alone to a fancy white tablecloth place. Ordered my salad, entre, and dessert! Yes, I got stares, but I didn't care. This was my weekend with God.

When I began to do my work, I knew I had to ask the Lord to show me stones that were in my garden. My garden needed cleaning out and the Enemy had thrown lots of stones in it. Stones that hindered me from knowing the truth about me.....the truth about who God said that I was, not the world, or the enemies hurling accusations of me. The process of uncovering those stones was intense.....4 hours of writing and discovering.... I asked the Lord, and He revealed!

Many Many painful stones.............I was exhausted!!!! I needed a break, so I took one. I went out to my rock.....the place I sat that overlooked the beautiful valley below my feet.

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,

because the LORD has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of his splendor.

They will rebuild the ancient ruins

and restore the places long devastated;

they will renew the ruined cities

that have been devastated for generations.

Strangers will shepherd your flocks;

foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.

And you will be called priests of the LORD,

you will be named ministers of our God.

You will feed on the wealth of nations,

and in their riches you will boast.

Instead of your shame

you will receive a double portion,

and instead of disgrace

you will rejoice in your inheritance.

And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,

and everlasting joy will be yours.

“For I, the LORD, love justice;

I hate robbery and wrongdoing.

In my faithfulness I will reward my people

and make an everlasting covenant with them.

Their descendants will be known among the nations

and their offspring among the peoples.

All who see them will acknowledge

that they are a people the LORD has blessed.”

I delight greatly in the LORD;

my soul rejoices in my God.

For he has clothed me with garments of salvation

and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,

as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,

and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

For as the soil makes the sprout come up

and a garden causes seeds to grow,

so the Sovereign LORD will make righteousness

and praise spring up before all nations.

insecurity

I am participating in a book study with a small group of woman in my Max Business. The book is Beth Moore's book, So Long Insecurity.......

Wow, after the first week....I felt like jumping off a bridge.....I didn't really realize that I struggle with it like I thought I did. What the first two chapters left me feeling was hopeless. "I am screwed," I thought. I will never lick this!!!! The one comfort brought to me was that Beth stated in her book, that nearly 80% of women struggle with insecurity in some way. Heck, even she does!!!! Okay, so maybe I am not that bad off! But, I wanna lick it. Here are some statements made, that attached themselves to my heart and would not let go. In fact, I think that the only way they will detach, is from the gentle, careful, and loving great physician himself. He's gonna have to do some tedious surgery on this gal because it all began with systems set up in me as a child. NO I DON'T blame my parents for my issues. Every child grows up with holes in their heart that only the Lord will be able to fill...I know that now.....I hold no one in condemnation of my issues and my work........

I am on Chapter Three now, but some things that moved me to .......... well tears.........that helped diagnose this gal are:

"She is driven to the ridiculous by her chronic need for affirmation"

I have sooooo acted ridiculous!!!!

"Most of us have what I'll call a prominent false positive: one thing that we think would make us more secure in all things. You want to know how you can pinpoint your own prominent false positive? The thinking you tend to associate most with security..........."(being thin.......words of affirmation are mine)

I need lots of positive reinforcement! Didn't realize it til recently. I always thought I didn't...but in my business.....I have learned that I thrive on it!!!! "Shelli is our superstar!" and It drives me to work harder.....In working out....I love to hear my trainer say, "GOOD, SHELLI!!!!" When my BFF tells me, "You are an amazing mom, Shelli" I beam.

What I learned is that while affirmation is a good thing.....I shouldn't place my own security in it! It is a false positive......A big one. What I know for sure is that my Heavenly Father thinks I am a superstar, amazing mom, a hard worker, and more....yet, when I fail, he still ADORES me. He loves me no matter! The book of Isaiah is packed full of what my Daddy thinks of me and I need to soak in that!

"If you happen to be thinking that the average looks are the problem, they're not....an injured soul is the problem"

Wow! So True. My obsession with being thin....well has been a part of me well, since I can remember....I think 11 yrs old was when it really began to take root. This is the same age as my sweet Lily!!!!! I am breaking that off people! That Generational Curse will not attach itself to her! The interesting thing is that that little slice of insecurity has lain dormant for a bit...because I am actually pretty pleased with how I look right now. I like my weight, and my size. So I must be secure. Nope....it just means that I am falsely secure. What happens if I gain a few pounds?????? Will my sense of security spiral down into a dark chocolate and dorito-fest? So, while I am content now, I pray the Lord continues to SEAL my heart with the truths that he reveals to me in his words. I know the root. I have begun my work to where this insecurity originates.

What is your work? What is your false positive? The two I have shared (and there are more....I would be a liar if I said otherwise), are ones I know I have carried for a long long time. I know Jesus tells me His yoke is easy and his burden is light. I want Him to carry this for me. I can't do it. It will kill me eventually.

Go out and purchase this book. Its so good. I will be blogging more on it as I continue in my study. I would love to hear your thoughts too!!!!!

New Wings

I sit down now and feel this need to write.....but not quite sure what to say.......but an urge to express myself. I have said before, how music moves me. More than any other artistic expression, music moves me..........all kinds of music.

In the journey I have been on lately, I have not blogged much. Lots of pain. I have experienced so much goodness too. I have to remember that pure gold has to go through the refiners fire first before its beauty and splendor is revealed. Its impurities and yuckiness has to be purged out. In my journey, much of my own ugliness has been revealed to me. I don't like it. But God has been merciful, and gentle and never stopped showing me his love of me. He does these for me through his word, his people, and through music. This song is by Kimberly and Alberto Rivera.....it is so beautiful. The album is called Captured. The lyrics are beautiful and her voice is angelic! Go to ITUNES and check it out. This is what I am living by now......He is giving my new wings.....

I found a beautiful necklace too. It is silver....pure silver, refined...not gold. On the chain is a pair of wings, shaped into a heart. It is beautiful, and meaningful...and I wear it everyday. It symbolizes my new wings He is giving me.

WINGS

nothings gonna hold me back

I m gonna fly so high

nothings gonna hold me back

Im gonna fly so high

I saw that when some of you took from the Lord your new wings

you had this look on your face

you said, yeah these are the new but I still have the memory of how it felt when I flapped my broken wings

and I saw this fear in your eyes

what will it feel like to flap my new wings?

Will I still have the pain?

Will I still remember?

Then I saw the Lord, look into your eyes and they penetrated...and he said

the pain shall cease

even the memory shall be released, even the memory of the pain, I shall take apart myself

for I will not give you a new thing that will cause you pain

I will not give you a new thing that will cause you pain

so don't be afraid to fly

dont be afraid to fly.......

For everything I give is good

you will fly in my goodness, fly in my love, safely under my wings

you will fly in my faithfulness, fly in my comfort, fly in my mercy

stay close to me.........fly with me..........stay close to me.........don't ever go away.........