New Study I finished

Never before in my life have I had the privilege to be in the company of such amazing, Godly, encouraging women. Women whose hearts for God live beyond themselves to reach out and challenge other women in their journey. I don't think that I will be able to clearly explain what this group of women has meant to me or the capacity of how they have challenged me to new depths in my walk with God.

This past fall, I had the privilege of being a part of the Whole Woman Revolution. A study for women led by Denise Hildreth. Denise's' openness, vulnerability, and at times humor, along with the fact that she is an anointed teacher, challenged me to go to new places in my faith walk. Along with the relationships started with other matriarchs in the faith, God began stirring up in me some new things. Toiling my garden, if you will. And my garden needed tilling. Still does. If I go to a place of pride that appears that I never need tilling after this, then somebody stop me!

The theme of this past 10 weeks was The Author. Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith. We were challenged in so many areas of our lives...each week dissecting a faith giant from the Bible. I think that for me, the week that broke ground and began the tilling process was the week that Denise taught on the Ambandoned Faith and Imposter Faith. I have the CD if anyone wants to listen to it. This woman of abandoned faith was a broken woman before Jesus, and she gave him everything she had! Denise compared her broken spirit and desperation for Jesus with the "Phony" Simon who was the host of the dinner party. He was hypocritical, judgemental, critical. On the outside, everything appeared differently than what was going on in his heart.

At first, I took it like, there are some things I needed to sacrifice like this woman...things I needed to lay down in my sanctification. Like the Woman sacrificing her precious alabaster jar of expensive oil. As I began to allow God to take me deeper in this, I realized that I have been living as a Phony. I dressed myself up to be something I wasn't. Mainly because of a name I have been living all my life. Names are almost prophetic, I think. Jesus, met Peter and immediately said to him that his name would no longer be Simon, but Peter (means rock) because on Peter, he would build his church. I was challenged to ask God, what is my name now. What is that name I have believed about myself...that lie? And then tell me, Lord, what do you call me? Well, I definitely realized my name (several, actually)....a name I partly gave myself, and partly felt was given to me at a young age. I just continued to walk in it and live it. But, I threw it off. I am no longer that name. I am asking him what He calls me now.

Daily, I dressed myself up to be something I wasn't. Hiding it. Whatever it took. I didn't want anyone to see my brokenness. I walked in disappointment, brokenness, and loneliness. I remember loneliness being prophesied over me at a very young age...hence all my life the fear of rejection. So I began very early in my years to become someone people would like....I would make others happy...the people pleaser in me came forth. At a young age it was reinforced in me that brokenness equaled weakness and no one would like me.

Not until this study did I realize it was okay. All my life I strived to be needed, instead of allowing myself to be needy. Because being needy was bad. In fact, the minute I began to struggle with something.....I would begin to back away from friends so they wouldn't see it, because in my mind, they would reject me for not being the "happy shelli"

This is where the "rescuer" in me came from. I would just dive into being "needed" I wanted to pray for people, take meals, visit the sick...whatever I could do to fell needed and fill up that hole. I wanted to love people hard. All that is good stuff...but the heart of it wasn't so good. Deep inside me, I was needing so desperately this for me and covering my brokenness. It is kinda how I dressed myself. But dressing myself up like this all the time can be tiring...and that dress can get dirty, frayed and holey...and that brokenness can seep out. It is alot of work to cover it then.

I learned too, that rescuing people isn't so good....that it may cause the rescuee to not experience Jesus the way they need to if I am always there to rescue.

So when I heard "Abandoned Faith" and began to ask God to show me what this looks like in my life....he sure did that. I walked in a lot of condemnation at first. As I would be revealed places that I needed to allow God to heal....as ugliness was exposed, shame, and condemnation is quick to visit. The great part about it is that I have not had to go this alone. I know, I am never alone. The Holy Spirit is ever present...but, God was so good to me in that he gave me some precious women to speak truth over my weary soul, and encourage me through it. They held me up as I walked it. They didn't try to rescue me, but I knew I had them there when I needed something. This is love.

In all this, and as I still continue to walk on this road, a big truth for me has been that All God requires of me is for this day...All I need is my portion from Him for today. I can't think about yesterday..it is over. No goin back. I can't think on tomorrow, it aint here yet. But I do have this day. He is my portion for today. God wants me to live humbly, act justly, and walk in mercy for today (Michah 6:7-9) Every broken place he will glue back together. His Word is truth and tells me When I am feeling alone that He is my witness, my advocate on high, my intercessor, my friend as my eyes pour out tears to Him (Job 16:9) and that I am worth more to Him that the priceless-ness of "many sparrows: (Luke 12: 6) That is the glue for my broken place in loneliness.

When I come under condemnation and shame, Gods word...the TRUTH...tells me that, There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus ( Romans 8:1). When I am afraid of rejection or feeling rejection.....The TRUTH says, I saw the Lord always before me, because he is at my right hand and I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will live in hope because YOU will not abandon to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay. You have made know the me the paths of life; you will fill me with your joy in your presence. (Acts 2:25-28) and Perfect love casts out all fear...(.1 John 4:18 ) and Isaiah 41:10 says don't fear, for I am with you! When I practice believing these things...my problems don't automatically go away...but, God gives me perfect peace. Kinda like being in the eye of the storm, instead of being all tossed around in the outside part of the eye where the waters are rough. It is my portion.

Through this season and the storms, I have learned that I am redeemed through it. I have learned that I can declare and prophesy over myself! I call it speaking good over myself. Not speaking death over myself. My kids like to remind me when someone speaks death over them....but it is true...our words are life or death.....We speak death over ourselves all the time....It is time for some life. I declare that God is putting me back together HIS way, piece by piece. His glue is His word of life. He is patient and He is merciful. My jar is smashed up good. I declare as he restores me, my jar will have beautifully sealed cracks with His glorious light shining through.

This is only a fraction of what I have learned and tried to apply from this amazing Bible Study, The Whole Woman Revolution. If you live in Franklin, I highly recommend you checking it out. Bible study starts up again in January on Wednesday mornings. I will be there, I hope you will come too.

The Hole

I've been in in a little hole for about 3 weeks. Maybe more come to think of it. My hole was okay though because (like a friend of mine K.A. explained) When we are working on becoming more "whole" in our sanctification and pursuit of "holiness", often times we are leaning on our Master to fill our "holes" and empty places in our heart. We all have those empty places. My places may look different from another's places.

In the midst of my earnest prayers for some people close to me, as I began to press in to God harder and as I prayed, something happened. Well, the first thing that happened was that I got prideful. I lost humility along the way. I thought I was good. I began to see some answers....a good thing, right? Right. But there is a fine line to walk between humility and pride. I crossed it without knowing I crossed it til it was too late. I fell in the hole. I was so ashamed. Condemnation came hard and thick. For some reason, I lost confidence in my prayers. I lost courage. I compared myself to other women and didn't think I was good enough. In my self-absorption, I forgot that he really really still loves me and wants to bless me.

Sometimes, working through our stuff...it is hard. We gotta keep moving. We gotta walk it out. Don't lie down. The 23rd Psalm says, "He maketh me lie down in green pastures, he restoreth my soul......Yay, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...." So in my understanding, When I am in a valley, a hard time, I need to walk it on out...keep going....listen to wisdom spoken to me...apply it....read the word....walk it out...run to the Father....

When he restores me, then I can lay down and rest. Lay down on that blanket in the yard and rest. That is my rest.

The thing that encouraged me so much today was a phone call. A loved one sharing with me. It blessed me to see just how the Lord is working things out in their lives, all his orchestrating in their situations...To see just how I had been specifically praying over this "thing" and to see just how God was still working it out was overwhelming. I got that choking feeling in my throat, and tears well in my eyes as I can see this situation playing out. Just 4 days before this conversation, I am laying on my yoga mat bawling my eyes out, pleading with God. Asking Him if he wants to answer my prayers, asking him if he wants to bless me? Does he hear me?

Today, He restored my faith. Today, in a simple phone call, He showed me....He is so good. Do I still have holes? Sure, but today, He energized me for tomorrow.