THE WAYSEER MANIFESTO

All I can say is wow.

Traits shared by the greatest revolutionists?

My impulsivity is a gift?....the key to the miraculous?

I have always hated that I was impulsive...but there is a positivity to that.

I have a good friend and her motto is count to 30,

or wait 30 min

or 30 hours,

or even 30 days

before I want to impulsively do or say anything.

I agree...wish I followed that more than I do.

Sometimes, when I count to 30....maybe that was the one time I should've waited 30 minutes! It is nice to see though, that there is a positive side to being impulsive.

Being impulsive allows me to fly by the seat of my pants and be flexible.

I am moody at times....I have always hated that about me...

My moodiness is reflective of the natural pulse of life

it gives unstoppable energy when I am high, and deep soulful insight when I am low.

YES!

That is so true!

AND I see that in others.

I gives me a whole new appreciation for them....

I do see their deep soulful reflections and I see it in myself.

We are all the same! You know...cuz we are all affected by the Way!

He talks about the Way in this video and let me be clear....

Jesus is the Way!

I believe that with all my heart....

The Way takes

takes chaos and gives order,

expressed by the mind is genius,

received thru eyes is beauty,

felt thru our senses is grace,

allowed to heart is love,

Wayseers have a knack for knowing the Way

we sense it in our being...

We can't show our work, so don't ask...

our minds resonate with the Way...

when Way is present, so are we...

Present.......

To be Present......

I heard an AMAZING speaker say this recently....

"Honor the past, look to the future....LIVE in the present...."

I heard another person recently say, "the past is gone...."

That resonated with me too. Sometimes, it is very difficult for me to live in the present.

It is an entirely new way of living. This girl, who for so many years was okay living as

a victim could not let go of the past. It is hard. But to not to is to live in bitterness. I don't want to be bitter. If not for me, for my children. To live in the past is to live in regret. I want to honor it....learn from it.....move on from it. This is so much easier said than done and a training of my mind.

He said,

"90 percent of human civilization is blocked to Way

and they are hardwired to enforce social programing indoctrinated since birth....

they take social institutions and rules seriously....

society is full of games to keep minds occupied so they wont revolt...

these games cause sick fixations on power structures and taboos....

(government, legalism in church, unwritten social southern rules, social groups)

all causing bondage.....

it is tolerated and insisted on...

they want to destroy anyone who violates these rules

Wayseers call their bluff

(hopefully gently in love)

Wayseers see these social institutional games for what they are and reject the games...

(that speaks to me! Cuz I know I been guilty)

Wayseers comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable

they keep contact with original source of reality

The Way"

Are you a Wayseer?

yesterday's post

Several people have felt there was anger in my blog post.....

I want to make it clear that the only anger is directed toward myself. Frustration was also directed at myself. In no way, am I upset with anyone. Generally speaking, I am frustrated with the Christian "culture" that judges, among other things....but at no one in particular......I don't apologize for anything I said. I realize it was laced with emotion....and yes, even impulsive. I do wish I wasn't so impulsive at times. That one gets me in trouble sometimes too.

Here is the deal........I want to just be.....I want to get back to the basics of loving God and the security of my relationship with him....not worrying about what others think about me. I want to live out the verses I shared. I want to be gracious, merciful, loving, humble, and

non-judgemental. That is all.

God's Will??????

Okay.....I am going on a rant....and may seem harsh here.

But this is my blog and I can write whatever I want to right?

Right. Beware now....if you are sensitive to a curse word

here or there, you may want to stop reading now.

I am so stinking sick of these phrases.....

1. "God's will for your life is........."

2. " Praying for God's will......."

3. "You are not walking in God's will...." (this one makes my stomach turn)

4. "Good Christian......"

To hear these coming out of any one's mouth makes me want to vomit.....That is mine, .....My woundings.....I confess here before every reader that I have been so guilty of it! I have said it, believed it....lectured it. I am so disgusted with myself for that. Disgusted for not trusting myself enough either...but thinking someone else would be able to tell me what to do, say, or think. That they have a direct line to God's will for me b/c I don't. (insecurity) Going from one person or thing to the next (like the ship on the sea going from wave to wave), trying to get "God's will...peace.....whatever......." My shit. I own it. My fault.

I have allowed myself to be manipulated. I, for a time, was believing that people were manipulating and controlling me.....DAMN!........no.......I was allowing it! Its just as much my fault as it is theirs...but mostly mine. WOW what a revelation!!!!

I am so angry with myself because, I (growing up as a people pleaser/performer....and saying that does not allow me to use that as a crutch or be a victim) have fallen back into the trap. The trap of talking to and listening to way too many people's opinions about what they think I should do, think, say, be.......I thought I had broken free of this....

I went up on the mountain, and I touched intimacy with God. I knew his presence in my life. I communed with him. I left changed and free and a "people pleaser" no more (among other things) I walked in more confidence, less insecurity, more love, mercy, grace, and dare I say it....yes humility......(is it humble to say that I was humble). There are two kinds of humility too.....false humility...and the real deal. I'd like to think I touched the real deal. I know I am flawed. I have fallen back into many of the things I broke free of on that mountain...and been in the valley.

People say our true character is revealed not in the great times....but in the valleys and in how we handle those valleys. I have learned a lot about pain and loss and how we handle it. I don't agree that our true character is revealed in the valleys anymore. I believe it is just that our emotions can be so overwhelmed.....and what we need to do is go to the one true source of peace....God...not others. And what does that mean? Going to God for our peace....that is for us as individuals to decide....Boy do I wish I had learned this earlier in life. It would have saved me so much heart ache. You can bet, my children will be taught this principle.

So how the hell does anyone know what God's will for MY life is? I want to scream and shout sometimes for people to focus on their own life...but in truth...I would be screaming at myself for going to them in the first place and seeking their opinions.....for allowing someone else's perceptions to shape me...to influence me in ways that really, only God should. Shit...what a concept. Allowing God to shape me instead of others? Wow....

I know I will get some flack from some readers for saying curse words. I choose to live authentically and express myself freely. I believe this too....Jesus hung with the roughest of men...and I bet they cussed here and there...and he loved them regardless...he met them right where they were...and he used them to carry out his mission to love others, and spread the good news to the lost, the sick, and the hurting.

What I have come to realize (again) and what I am embracing (now) is this......

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.....Micah 6:8

THIS! THIS! THIS is His will for ME. He wants me to be in His peace! He doesn't want me to DO anything. He wants me to BE!!!! BE just, BE merciful, BE humble, BE in Him....in his presence. (and that looks different for everyone...my being in his presence may be completely different from someone else's...lets step out of the box a little...come on!)

"Be still and know....." Psalm 46:10

"I only need to be still..." Exodus 14:14 ...

"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment." Matt 22:37-38

That is his will. If what I am doing or saying doesn't line up with that, then, well I must be out of his will.

And then...I dare propose Christians......

Who is anyone to JUDGE if I am following these?

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven"..Luke 6:37

“If anyone hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge that person. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world"..John 12:47....

Hell, Jesus didn't even come to judge me....he said so right there! So why should anyone else hold me in judgement???? What a ##$%^&@# concept!

I am soooo sick of the judgement!!!! Stop it! Stop it! Christians! Stop it! Christians, we are killing peoples souls...in His name! I am sure Christ grieves that in His name we do some awful things......Start loving! And if you can't love, then just shut it up and be quiet. Stop talking!

Lets get simple. I choose to love. I choose to be. I choose to see people's gold. I wish they would see mine. I am thankful for the few who have chosen to see my gold....But if they don't....then I need to be okay with that too. If they don't....then have a nice life....I don't have time for it anymore... I am not perfect. I will never claim it. I will disappoint. I will mess up. I have already. But I do have gold. It is there.

I am a righteous heir to the King....

"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" 2 Corinthians 5:21

My shit is paid for already so why should I have to re-live it with anyone else's judgements? And I promise you, I won't judge any of you for your shit either.....

I think that is enough for now....stay tuned. There is definately more to come. AND......I know its been stated that I have let people down cuz "I am no longer the conservative Christian woman" I am supposed to be. Well that is not mine to carry....that is theirs... So if by me thinking outside your box bothers you.....move along......

Only a Man (or woman)

This song was sung in church last Sunday and then again last night at the Ash Wednesday Service. Every time I listen to this beautiful message, I get emotional....

"Only A Man"

I used to live my life in fear

Was worried all the time

From waking up to laying down

I had no peace of mind

The world became a darkened place

A struggle without end

Although bitter times those were

The days that I began

To understand, I was only a man

I grew up singing songs in church

With questions in my mind

Then turn my back and ran away

From God who gave me life

Then one nightHis presence fell

I wept and shook, and knelt

I fell down and cried

?Dear Jesus, rescue me again?

I understand, I'm only a man

And He said, "What will it be now

Will you choose Me

Or keep swimming

Upstream now"

"I've been inside your head, hearing you scream out

Well, here I am, just take my hand

And I'll take out all of the things

And all of the fear, all of the fear"

I'll give You my burdens

I'll gave peace

All of my desires

I'll give you what you need

And what about these chains, Lord?

I'll set you free

But they're so heavy

Lay them at my feet

I'll lay them at Your feet

Just promise You won't leave

I'll never leave

So where do I go from here, Lord

Just follow me, just follow me

I'll follow You

Just follow me

Wherever You lead, wherever You lead

Wherever You lead

tears taste different

I learned a few things about myself last night......

My tears have character:

My tears taste different according to emotion. How bout that random fact. Tears of joy, happiness, and even pain (physical) have a taste. Have you ever tasted your tears? What I realized last night, was that tears of sorrow have a completely different taste altogether. They don't taste good either....mine are extremely salty and pungent. And they are hotter!

Stress verses sadness:

I learned too that under stress....I am able to continue to function fairly well...I can perform, meet goals, and carry on. Under stress, I lose weight though, because I cannot eat. Now Sadness, is a completely different story. Sadness wants the comforts of a rich decadent chocolate treat....Sadness paralyzes....Sadness tries to snuff out the very life of me....making everyday tasks completely challenging....like laundry, working, grocery shopping. If I have been present for my children in that particular sad day, then it has been an accomplishment....as that is my number one goal everyday...to be fully present for them.

Stress presents itself in the pit of my stomach.....Sadness, right under the heart, where my ribs meet up. Heavy and pressing, sadness takes my breath away sometimes. Stress just gnaws at my stomach all day long. Stress is there, and you can just live with it......Sadness will just pop up at any given random time....it can be triggered by a thought, a song, a simple phrase spoken......

I admit to all my readers that I am a broken person now. I read something posted on fb though that did give me comfort....about the woman with the alabaster jar. I had to copy it.....

"While in Bethany,a woman came w/ an alabaster jar of ointment(perfume),very costly & precious,she broke the jar & poured over His head."Mark 14:3

She said on her post...."People are afraid of brokenness.If the outer person is broken,powerful things in you can pour out.Perfume of the Holy Spirit is in you,the jar(the flesh)has to be broken for perfume to be released.Allow God to do w/ you as He wills,knowing that everything in life changes."

I am not afraid of brokenness...I just don't like it. I wonder if all the tears are part of the release?

How He Loves - John Mark McMillan - Legendado

bringin our scraps to the table

I heard a sermon today, and one thing the speaker said, I just had to write down. He was talking about "coming to the table" and it just so happened today at the table was the Lords supper. He spoke of a church body's members at the table.....and sometimes the best meals are those made up of the broken up food, and the "scraps" Wow, I felt a bit encouraged. I am broken. I feel like just a scrap right now. But I can still contribute to a beautiful meal! I know that may not be a huge revelation to everyone. For me, It was H-U-G-E. My brokenness and my scraps are worthy to bring to His table.

Today, my salvation was put into question by a friend. A lot of accusations have been hurled at me...A lot of concerns have been voiced...some in the name of love, some in the name of "christianity" I have in my journey been told by many what they think "what His will for my life is" "what His will isn't" "what He wants to do" "what I should or shouldn't do" Not once have I had my salvation questioned. My safe circle of friends keeps shrinking. When will it be okay for me to be real....for me to share my heart and my questions, my anger, my TRUE feelings....and not be condemned or have my mere Christianity questioned?

I know I am saved....praise Him .....only by grace.....not by my thoughts, my actions, questions, or judgements or decisions.....Thankfully, I am reminded of a simple phrase..... A friend one time said, "its simple....you either know him or you don't." That simple. I know that I know you. It still hurts to be judged.

If my faith is supposed to wrapped up in a neat little bow all pretty and crisp, with my pretty little paper just perfect, all decorated with the glitter of false humility, and "glory halleluah's and praise the Lords...." then I don't want that kind of faith anymore. I have questions. I have hurts. I have "work" I know it is not a prettily wrapped up box. The bow is tattered, and the paper is ripped up a bit.....It is messy. For now, I guess it is gonna be me wading in this messy swamp....just me and God. I am sticking with my "few" women....and my list gets smaller each day. In this, I feel so alone. I want to be authentic. I just suppose this is what it is supposed to be anyway....just God and me?

Dear God

Dear God,

I know in times of sorrow, hardship, and times that are not ideal, I should be thankful. I should reflect on the things I am thankful for. Among the things I am thankful for, besides my health and my children... are two sisters. I want to especially thank you for:

Thank you for the great times I have had with my boy. My little man. He is such a joy. I love his hugs, his sweet "I love you's" and all his smiles and giggles. That every night I am with him, my 9 year old boy still wants me to sing to him and scratch his back when I tuck him in. And that the nights I am not with him, he calls me just to say goodnight and he loves me....What an amazing little boy with an amazing heart you have entrusted into my care.

Thank you for my darling angel girl. Her beautiful heart shines and radiates. She loves you so and it blesses me to hear her prayers on the nights I am with her. I love our talks each day, and her cheerful heart always. What a precious heart she has. Thank you for my darling girl....who in so many ways is just like me.....

I thank you Lord for friend #1. Lord, there are many people in my life who say they are friends.....and there are different "levels and depths" of friendships. I thank you for friend #1....because this week, you sent this friend to me to BE with me. Not talk, not condemn, not share her picture of what "she thinks your will for my life is" or even quote Bible verse after Bible verse into me....but to just BE with me.

I know your word is good....don't get me wrong. But this day and week, you provided for what I needed...What I NEEDED.... Thank you that on a phone call, she came to me at the drop of a hat, got in the bed with me, and lay with me while I cried, laughed, or just talked. I thank you for her love.....unconditional love no matter......

I thank you for friend #2....who COMPLETELY "gets" me...for she truly "gets" my story. She has lived it herself.....She understands the deep places in my heart. She too, has listened, not judged, not smeared another's name.......but only honored ME and MY heart. I thank you for her availability to me to hear me when I need her.....and to love me too.....Her story, gives me hope.......thanks for sending her to me....

And then..........I am soooooo thankful for my biological sister. My sister, from the beginning of my trials, has said, "I love you no matter." Never once have I felt judgement...never once from her have I heard, "________is God's will for you." Thank you for her loving support of ME.....she is a treasure......

You God, have loved me through these gifts this week and I count myself truly blessed

Thank you

Your MPW

What's your color????

Choosing our wardrobe reveals much more about you than just your "style". I am learning that even the colors I choose to wear that day reflect and actually affect my mood that day as well.

In researching, I have found that color can stimulate or inhibit certain behaviors. Advertising executives,Psychologists, and even the fitness industry has known this all along....

Research shows that exercise is best performed in an environment of warm colors, such as reds and oranges, and then blues and greens are good for mental concentration.

Even in Literature.......poets and authors tap into a deeper interpretation of the colors. Red with rage, green with jealousy, purple passion, feeling blue, he is yellow, are common.

I read about a Swiss psychiatrist named Carl Jung who encouraged his patients to use color in their paintings to express the deepest unconscious part of their psyches. I know I have gone through favorite color phases.....In my single years, into even about 5 years ago...I LOVED red!!!! Then, I went through a phase of green a few years back. In the last year I found that I LOVE yellow! Yellow purses, yellow dresses (I wore to a convention last summer)...I almost bought a yellow car back in September. My sweet daughter now every time she sees something yellow, says, "Mom, look, a yellow ________!"

I am also very in tune with pink right now. Don't know why, but lately everything I buy, whether a journal, day planner, scarf, or shirt....has been pink. So if I tie that into my personality, what would that Swiss psychiatrist say about me?????

He said, Extroverts favor red (yah!), introverts prefer blue (never liked blue), yellow is the choice of intellectuals (REALLY?????), and well-balanced individuals tend to go for green (hmmmm!) Pink is a color for new beginnings. Gray and Black, they typically signify wanting to blend in, not stand out. Not sure about that as I know some people who love to wear those colors.

So, what are you wearing today? Are you being influenced by your mood and choosing your clothes accordingly today? Or, is your clothing today influencing you?

Today, I choose to be pink..... and possibly, a smidgen of green.....

What are you wearing?????

Today, I changed clothes twice.

At first, I was wearing my skinny jeans, with a delicate creamy colored tunic...lacy and feminine....and my brown boots. But, then I realized, I didn't feel this way AT ALL! So I changed clothes.

Now, its my skinny jeans, my yellow and black and white whimsy rain boots(it is rainy today)....my bright green parka with the belt tied tightly at the waist...don't wanna look frumpy or anything. I do have a waist. Because my roots are two weeks overdue for color....I chose a favorite hat and did the piggy tail thing today. I love that my hair is long enough to do fun pig tails if I feel like it. My Color gets touched on Friday....an entirely different post....as I am feeling very creative. I keep experimenting with streaks.....I do believe I will do something very daring this Friday with my color.

I surveyed myself in the mirror.....Yep, that is the way I am feeling today....with a nod, a little bit (not a lot) of make-up, I am out the door.

as I reflect on my choice, and why, it leads me to do a little research on color therapy, and ask my readers, "what are you wearing?" and then, "why?"

So, what are you wearing today??????

Tomorrow, I will post some information that I have found to be extremely telling.............

Peace out!

Have Mercy for Lives that are shattered
cast with hard doctrine and creed
If it's only the idols that mattered
Plaster would be all they need

David Wilcox...from the song Cast Off

The entire Song Cast Off resonates with me immensely! I love it! I am ripping off hard doctrine and creed in my life. Ripping off "Christianese" theology.......The ugly smelly fraying thing has not served me well. Has crippled me.....I've kept it on longer than I ever needed it. Atrophy set in, now the painful physical therapy and retraining comes.....discovering TRUTH. Truth about me, and truth about God's love, and truth about what HE says to me and about me. Its so easy to fall into the traps and cliche's.....even when I think I am aware of them....I get sucked in......

Don't know what my therapy will look like. Don't know how long it will take.....Don't give a darn....just know its gonna happen. Its gonna hurt...but its gonna make me stronger for sure....

In a sermon recently, I heard this statement, and it sooo resonated with me. The quote was, "You are not responsible for other people's judgements or perceptions of you" That set me free. It is so true. I am not responsible for any one's perception of how I am living my life. As a former "people pleaser/ performer" I hear it and I believe it in my head....even receive it in my heart sometimes......but can I truly live that out in my daily life and not worry about what others think of me or my decisions.

Or, what about what people think of my past decisions? That's huge. I am thankful for many people in my life who love me no matter. You know, Jesus "did life" with a lot of screw ups.....

Think about it.....

Tax Collectors

Adulterers (Yep, some of the women in his inner circle)

Men who denied him over and over

Men who doubted him

Insecure men who fought over who He liked most

Fishermen...(I bet they had some real foul language too!)

the man who betrayed him

These, the men and women in his inner circle! With all their junk, HE saw their gold.

I wanna see the gold. I pray my gold will outweigh my junk.

I must daily break off that people pleaser mentality... God knows my heart. So not to sound like an "I don't care what the *##@# you think" kinda girl...I know in my heart how I am living and my choices and when I screw up....I can name them...own them....ask forgiveness if needed....and move on....

That is so so hard. Especially now, as I have made recent choices that were, well, a disappointment......to put it mildly. I AM experiencing GRACE..... My heart still hurts over certain areas. I cannot live my life though for others.....for what they think I need to do. I have to get myself "centered" and on stable ground. Then, and only then can I say with a clear conscience my decisions are right.

I am learning a lot about asking for the things I need. I have come to understand that when I ask for what I need, I may not get it......but for me to ask for it is powerful. I asked a new friend this weekend on a women's weekend where the brownies were, cuz I was cravin me some sweets. There were NO sweets for us at meals.....but, this dear woman showed me love, in that later, she came to me and said, "you asked for what you needed, would you like a piece of chocolate?" I know that seems funny, but for me, it was very powerful. Yeah, I asked for what I needed......a little comfort food.....fully expecting not to have any at all. But this sweet lady, blessed me later on.....

So, what I really NEED NOW, is to heal from some things, and be able to have safe spaces to do so in my own timing, in my own way....without any pressure, condemnation, control, or guidance other than my counselor, or when I ask for it. What I NEED is to be able to look "you" in the eye and smile a knowing smile that "its all good"

I've learned a lot in the last few months about loving others through their shit. I don't hold judgement on anyone. My story has taken some twists and turns that will I know let me love on others someday in a way I may never have been able to love them otherwise. For this reason, I am thankful for my current pain. I NEED to embrace it....feel it.....heal.......with wisdom, courage, and GRACE.

I am so thankful for the GRACE.

I cannot recover from the trauma of knowing that my actions have cost many pain?

Choices have consequences...good or bad.

you reap what you sow.....

In a whirlwind of emotion, I realize the truth in all of these sayings. Not only have poor choices I have made recently costed me......but like the pebble thrown into a pond and the ripples continue out......my choices have affected many other's lives. I regret pain I have brought them way more than myself. I have hurt people....and yes, I have been deeply hurt by people too.....My heart aches for over my pain and yes I grieve for their pain I have caused many. Broken, hurting, and I know people tell me to lay "it" at his feet. I don't know what that looks like. It seems like just something Christians say...."lay it at his feet" There is no comfort.

I am not the Mighty Princess Warrior I had tattooed on my wrist. I want to be. I am in a dark place right now. I know God doesn't grade sin.....sin is sin, yet I feel like some of the things I have chosen lately have taken me very far away. I have let many people down, and I am sorry. As I work through my pain, I my blogs may not be what you are looking for.

.....and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:3

Sometimes, I look at my life, and as I definately relate to the verse above that the ashes in my life, have been replaced by His beauty, I think of this ancient mythological bird the Pheonix.......

This beautiful scarlet and golden Phoenix bird is represents recovery, especially after calamity. It originates from the traditions of ancient Phoenicia, yet is seen in greek mythology, and even traced in the Bible......

(Psalm 92:12 and Job 29:18)

The bird traditionally lives near a cool well which it visits each morning to bathe and sing. It is a stunningly beautiful bird with an entrancing song. When the Phoenix reaches the end of its life, it’s said to build itself a nest of aromatic spices such as cinnamon and myrrh. It then sets the nest and itself on fire and is burned to ashes. Shortly, the Phoenix rises again and begins its life anew.

This song says it all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdZJB_6U1aI

My Tattoo. It is looking better each day.

I am trying to take very very good care of it.

The letters that I shared yesterday, I keep in my Bible, and frequently pull out to re-read. I don't want to dwell on the sad little girl I was at age 9 and who has been a part of me for so long. I want to remember her, so that I can truly rejoice in the new creation God has begun in me. He has brought that little girl and my now woman together to his new beautiful Mighty Princess Warrior. It is only by His grace that I am free from so many of the strongholds that were set up in me for so long. Now, there are still stones that try to sneak in my garden. Some are hurled in my garden so fast, I can't even see strait and I have to dig it up and throw it out again......that really frustrates me and makes me mad by the way! I still go to counseling, I still have to read that letter from God.....and be reminded of he He sees me. I have drank in the chapters in the book of Isaiah and been so loved on.

Recently.....and I mean recently...like a few days ago....I was in so much pain and despair over some of my "still issues in my heart" and over current situations going on in my life...that I actually entertained for an evening, what would it be like to just be gone....to just end it. Kinda like a George Bailey moment from Its a Wonderful Life. Oh the enemy was really getting me good.....I immediately texted my prayer warrior friend and told her and I know her prayers immediately took affect....cuz it wasn't but 10 minutes later and I all of a sudden snapped out of it.......I distinctly remember saying, "God, I have not remembered who you have called me! I have not remembered what you have said about me! I have not embraced my new name! Help me remember!" I don't ever want to forget that I am a Mighty Woman.....I am His Precious Princess...and I am a Warrior....and Over comer! I will cast these stones out again....I will live like a Princess.....It was that moment that I knew....I would tattoo this on me. I had been thinking for years about a tattoo. I just knew when I got one, it would symbolize something and be meaningful to me. That there would be a story behind it. Well, I know have my story to share....my tattoo to remind me every day, multiple times a day of who I truly am. I am His Mighty Princess Warrior.....

My New Name......Revealed

After my resting......I knew there was work to do. Little did I know, the biggest blessing of all was on the way. You see, my councelor had given me an assignment...and to do it, I needed clarity, quiet, stillness, and rest. I now had all these things. I had no idea what this assignment would look like, but I had the tools now and the Lord! I prayed and prayed and asked for guidance. I didn't want this to be a pity party. Only truth. My councelor had assigned me to write a letter as my 9 year old girl self to the me today......and then for me today to write her back. I now knew what that little girl would say to me today, and through prayer, my response was divine.....

I share this, not for any pity, or anyone to feel sorry or angry.....only to show you my story...peices of it...and how the Lord does take ashes and make them beautiful......So, here is the letter from the little girl, at 9....whose fire and sparkle began to slowly burn out.....

Dear Shelli,

someday, I will be a grown up and I will be you. I wonder what my life will look like. I have dreams and I hope I have babies. I hope I am on actress and singer. I love to sing and dance, although my mommy says I am not good at it and laughs at me for being clumsy. Sometimes, I think I want to be a missionary too, cuz I do love Jesus. When I play with my friends, we always play rescue. It seems like My friend is always strong and the one rescuing me...in distress, but that is okay. I like it. One day, maybe I will truly be rescued. Rescued from this place where I feel unloved. Whisked away like a princess on a horse with my prince. Will I be pretty? I feel ugly. I have scabs on my legs all the time and the boys at school call me scab legs, and they call me smelly too. I Wonder if they know I still wet the bed? I cant help it. I feel ashamed and I don't like to lie, but mommy punishes me when I do. I love to do my hair and experiment with different styles. Maybe I will be a hair dresser. Will I have friends? I am so lonely cuz we just moved and I have no friends. No one likes me, my teacher is mean. I'm not a very good girl....they must all know that I am bad. I am chubby too. At least mommy says I am. She says we have to shop at the chubby jeans section at Sears. My sister is soooo skinny and so is mommy. I hope I am skinny someday. I try to diet, but its so hard. I always quit. I don't really know what I will be or where, but I just can't wait to grow up. Then I will be happy wont I? I will be big.. I am sad alot. Maybe that is why I don't have friends. I had friends in Tampa....I miss Susan so much. I can't believe we had to move. I hate it here. Someday, I will go back to see her. All my sister does is tattle and she always gets her way. I know its bad, but I really think I hate her sometimes. I'm bad for that. I am happiest when I am at church, cuz I love miss Sharon and Mr. Steve. I have some friends there, but I am always scared I'm gonna go the the devil, cause I am bad. All I know is people like it when I am happy so I will be happy. It makes mommy and daddy mad when I get sad, they make fun of me and laugh or tell me to quit being sad. So I Will be happy even when I am not, that will make them happy.....Mommy will be happy. She is so funny and she is my best friend. I really love here. So I hope when I grow up, I am happy, skinny and funny like my mommy....

Love,

Shelli (9 years old)

After I read this letter, I prayed, and this is the letter I wrote her back.....and as I reflect on it and the painful journey I am on in my current situation now.....I realize, God used my words, to write me a letter.....see if you can find my new name!

Dear Shelli,

Oh dear sweet child, you are such a beautiful and precious girl. Your eyes sparkle and shine when you are truly happy and you light up every room when you enter it. Oh sweet angel girl, you have no idea the gift you are. You are carefree, spirited, spunky, creative, and cute. You are funny too by the things you say and you make others laugh for joy. You're destined for greatness little one! Believe it. God smiles at his creation in you and you will be great because of Jesus in you. Dear one, Satan has trampled on your young and tender heart. You have no idea how marvelous and wonderful and lovely you are because the lies are so loud. Sweet girl, I wish I could erase your pain, loneliness, insecurities, and sadness, but I cannot. You want to please so bad...to feel love and acceptance. Dear girl, this I know about you....You are STRONG, your spirit may be bruised, but it will not break. You don't know it yet, but you are a warrior princess. You wont need rescuing because you will be mighty for the Lord. you will survive and be strong, until the day you realize that to be a Mighty Warrior Princess, you will need to be weak and then be built up strong, for your dependence ant be on your pretending any more. You pretend to be happy and try to be funny to please others and you want God to be happy too. Dear one, God is soooo happy with you now and he is not punishing you. I know you think you never get what you want and God will never come through for you. I promise you some day, you will see that is not true..God loves you. So do your parents. They have hurts in their hearts too and it makes it hard for them to show you they love you. Believe me, they love you. God loves you now...not because of any performance you put on...despite all that....he loves you darling girl. I know your lonely and sad...I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and hug you. I want you to know, you are not chubby, your are not skinny...you are you and it how God make you. He created you and the Bible says his creation is so GOOD not BAD...you are his precious and treasured possession and so girl, keep singing your heart out and keep on writing, and keep riding your bike....One day soon you will be a mighty princess warrior that will help rescue other hurting people. Your fire, spunk, and sweetness will be a magnet that draws people to you. You will be great. If there is one more thing I can tell you is that the Bible says your are loved with an everlasting love, so remember that when you get down...Jesus is always near you. I cannot wait to meet you on the other side of your pain...

Love,

Shelli (40 years 0ld)

My new name......Part 2

The Lord revealed to me, through my journaling, stones the Enemy had thrown into my garden a young age. The enemy loves to take a circumstance and begin to spin it, and throw accusations, belief systems, and lies. Then you grow up believing them. This is no fault of my family. I have come to learn that children will grow up with holes in their hearts, that only God can fill. In the healthiest and greatest of environments, children have wounds. I had to get to the wounds, and re-visit down deep in my core certain situations, so then and only then, God could lovingly reveal the lies set up in my heart, and then replace them with HIS truths. And that is what happened. These lies were my stones. I won't go into all of the lies.....that is for me and the Lord....as I still at times get a stone re-visit me.......however.....I will reveal to you a few and the truths He showed me....A Huge stone of Punishment, or a punishing spirit was in my garden, as well as insecurity. There were about 8 of them.

Once I realized my stones....and how they had affected me and shaped my thoughts and ways of doing life....I sought out the truth. What is it that God said about me. You see, I can't fight the lies without the truth. It was amazing to see what God revealed to me. I know this may sound crazy. I then went on a stone hunt. I sought out the perfect stones to physically symbolize my spiritual stones. They had to be just right! Some small..... One stone, I knew was huge....it would have to be perfect! On my walk, I did find it. It was mostly buried underneath the earth. I had to dig it out. Then heave it up and carry it to the edge of the cliff I was planning on hurling them off of. You see, I collected all my stones. Gathered them together for my "Stone Throwing Ceremony" and had my new truths to say goodbye to the lies....forever....Well, wishful thinking there. The Enemy, well, he likes to try to sneak them back into my garden now and then. Sometimes, when I am tired, he does manage to get one or two back in. I still struggle with Insecurity......and lets be honest......many women do.

I picked up each stone, proclaimed it out loud that it would no longer have power over me, and then I hurled it with all of my might off the cliff into the deep valley below! Then I proclaimed God's truths over me!!!! As for the Punishing spirit....well, all my life, I believed if I was "bad" and (what the heck is bad anyway....according to the world's eyes or my own false sense of good and bad set up by legalism) that God would punish me. I learned from Isaiah that: God is NOT angry with me, my sins ARE forgiven! He is NOT punishing me. Is 54:9-10 "For this is like the days of Noah to Me, when I swore that the waters of Noah would not flood the earth again; so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you Nor will I rebuke you. For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but my loving kindness will not be removed from you and my covenant of peace will not be shaken," says the Lord who has compassion on you.

He is a loving God and wants to bless me and love on me. Stone by stone, I hurled them off the cliff. The last stone, which will remain unnamed.......for now.....I went to get, and lo and behold if I wasn't sittin on it! Very appropriate, since it seemed this stone had been a system camped out in the deep recesses of my heart for a very long time. By the grace of God, I will not have to hurl it again.....because it was HEAVY. I bet 40 pounds. I picked that stone up, and heaved it over my head and I let out a battle cry as I threw it down into the valley. I felt like Brave Heart giving my battle cry.....a warrior saying NO MORE!!!!!

Again, exhausted from the activity....I needed rest. I went and laid in this hammock under a comfy quilt with my tunes for hours......I slept some, under the fresh air and the rustling of the leaves I felt so much peace. Even though I was alone.....I didn't feel lonely. Maybe that is because I really wasn't alone at all....I had my heavenly Father with me and that was the best.

I knew that more work was coming. For now, I was resting in Him. Stay tuned for the finale.....

comfort for today

Isaiah 62

¹FOR ZION'S sake will I [Isaiah] not hold my peace, and for Jerusalem's sake I will not rest until her imputed righteousness and vindication go forth as brightness, and her salvation radiates as does a burning torch.

²And the nations shall see your righteousness and vindication [your rightness and justice--not your own, but His ascribed to you], and all kings shall behold your salvation and glory; and you shall be called by a new name which the mouth of the Lord shall name.

³You shall also be [so beautiful and prosperous as to be thought of as] a crown of glory and honor in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem [exceedingly beautiful] in the hand of your God.

⁴You [Judah] shall no more be termed Forsaken, nor shall your land be called Desolate any more. But you shall be called Hephzibah [My delight is in her], and your land be called Beulah [married]; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married [owned and protected by the Lord].

⁵For as a young man marries a virgin [O Jerusalem], so shall your sons marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.

⁶I have set watchmen upon your walls, O Jerusalem, who will never hold their peace day or night; you who [are His servants and by your prayers] put the Lord in remembrance [of His promises], keep not silence,

⁷And give Him no rest until He establishes Jerusalem and makes her a praise in the earth.

⁸The Lord has sworn by His right hand and by His mighty arm: Surely I will not again give your grain as food for your enemies, and [the invading sons of] aliens shall not drink your new wine for which you have toiled;

⁹But they who have gathered it shall eat it and praise the Lord, and they who have brought in the vintage shall drink it [at the feasts celebrated] in the courts of My sanctuary (the temple of My holiness).

¹⁰Go through, go through the gates! Prepare the way for the people. Cast up, cast up the highway! Gather out the stones. Lift up a standard or ensign over and for the peoples.

¹¹Behold, the Lord has proclaimed to the end of the earth: Say to the Daughter of Zion, Behold, your salvation comes [in the person of the Lord]; behold, His reward is with Him, and His work and recompense before Him.^{B)" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: 0.5em; "}

¹²And they shall call them the Holy People, the Redeemed of the Lord; and you shall be called Sought Out, a City Not Forsaken.

The Day I got my new name...Part 1

This was the view from my back porch, overlooking a beautiful valley.

Back in September, I went on a trip alone. I needed time away by myself for prayer and meditation. Just to get quiet and still....and to see what the Lord would show me, if anything. The one thing I really was hoping for was a new name. See, in the Bible, God gives new names to his people. Not all of them, but He did give new names to people like Abraham, Paul, Jacob, and those are three I can think of at the moment. There is a praise and worship song I have sung that speaks of God taking my pain, and giving me a new name. The one thing I was requesting from him that weekend was to give me a new name.....a name that would I would know for sure was from him that would symbolize my journey and redemption. That name he did give me. I am not going to tell you my new name now. I will later.

I will tell you my weekend ended in such an amazing way, with a letter he wrote me. If anyone has not read THE SHACK, you may not know what I am talking about. I highly recommend this book. The author is William P Young and it is amazing! In the book, This main character gets a letter from God.... and his journey begins. His journey from his pain to healing.

I know that sounds weird to hear that I have received several letters from God. I have actually journaled this before in past blogs...He speaks to me through creative writing....usually my own spirit led writing to others, or in this case, a letter my counselor had assigned me to write to myself as a child. But the letter didn't come right away....it was actually at the end of my weekend. Over the weekend, I spent time in prayer, meditation, worship, and rest all outdoors. I did a lot of journaling too. Not once did I turn on the tv, and the computer stayed at home. I wanted NO DISTRACTIONS from the work I had set out to do. That may sound super boring to some. To some it may seem Crazy! Like how can anyone spend that much time alone!!!! Oh, I relished it! The outdoors is the place I experience God the most...pair it with my favorite songs and I am golden!!!! I even went out to eat alone to a fancy white tablecloth place. Ordered my salad, entre, and dessert! Yes, I got stares, but I didn't care. This was my weekend with God.

When I began to do my work, I knew I had to ask the Lord to show me stones that were in my garden. My garden needed cleaning out and the Enemy had thrown lots of stones in it. Stones that hindered me from knowing the truth about me.....the truth about who God said that I was, not the world, or the enemies hurling accusations of me. The process of uncovering those stones was intense.....4 hours of writing and discovering.... I asked the Lord, and He revealed!

Many Many painful stones.............I was exhausted!!!! I needed a break, so I took one. I went out to my rock.....the place I sat that overlooked the beautiful valley below my feet.