In a sermon recently, I heard this statement, and it sooo resonated with me. The quote was, "You are not responsible for other people's judgements or perceptions of you" That set me free. It is so true. I am not responsible for any one's perception of how I am living my life. As a former "people pleaser/ performer" I hear it and I believe it in my head....even receive it in my heart sometimes......but can I truly live that out in my daily life and not worry about what others think of me or my decisions.

Or, what about what people think of my past decisions? That's huge. I am thankful for many people in my life who love me no matter. You know, Jesus "did life" with a lot of screw ups.....

Think about it.....

Tax Collectors

Adulterers (Yep, some of the women in his inner circle)

Men who denied him over and over

Men who doubted him

Insecure men who fought over who He liked most

Fishermen...(I bet they had some real foul language too!)

the man who betrayed him

These, the men and women in his inner circle! With all their junk, HE saw their gold.

I wanna see the gold. I pray my gold will outweigh my junk.

I must daily break off that people pleaser mentality... God knows my heart. So not to sound like an "I don't care what the *##@# you think" kinda girl...I know in my heart how I am living and my choices and when I screw up....I can name them...own them....ask forgiveness if needed....and move on....

That is so so hard. Especially now, as I have made recent choices that were, well, a disappointment......to put it mildly. I AM experiencing GRACE..... My heart still hurts over certain areas. I cannot live my life though for others.....for what they think I need to do. I have to get myself "centered" and on stable ground. Then, and only then can I say with a clear conscience my decisions are right.

I am learning a lot about asking for the things I need. I have come to understand that when I ask for what I need, I may not get it......but for me to ask for it is powerful. I asked a new friend this weekend on a women's weekend where the brownies were, cuz I was cravin me some sweets. There were NO sweets for us at meals.....but, this dear woman showed me love, in that later, she came to me and said, "you asked for what you needed, would you like a piece of chocolate?" I know that seems funny, but for me, it was very powerful. Yeah, I asked for what I needed......a little comfort food.....fully expecting not to have any at all. But this sweet lady, blessed me later on.....

So, what I really NEED NOW, is to heal from some things, and be able to have safe spaces to do so in my own timing, in my own way....without any pressure, condemnation, control, or guidance other than my counselor, or when I ask for it. What I NEED is to be able to look "you" in the eye and smile a knowing smile that "its all good"

I've learned a lot in the last few months about loving others through their shit. I don't hold judgement on anyone. My story has taken some twists and turns that will I know let me love on others someday in a way I may never have been able to love them otherwise. For this reason, I am thankful for my current pain. I NEED to embrace it....feel it.....heal.......with wisdom, courage, and GRACE.

I am so thankful for the GRACE.