Today, my salvation was put into question by a friend. A lot of accusations have been hurled at me...A lot of concerns have been voiced...some in the name of love, some in the name of "christianity" I have in my journey been told by many what they think "what His will for my life is" "what His will isn't" "what He wants to do" "what I should or shouldn't do" Not once have I had my salvation questioned. My safe circle of friends keeps shrinking. When will it be okay for me to be real....for me to share my heart and my questions, my anger, my TRUE feelings....and not be condemned or have my mere Christianity questioned?

I know I am saved....praise Him .....only by grace.....not by my thoughts, my actions, questions, or judgements or decisions.....Thankfully, I am reminded of a simple phrase..... A friend one time said, "its simple....you either know him or you don't." That simple. I know that I know you. It still hurts to be judged.

If my faith is supposed to wrapped up in a neat little bow all pretty and crisp, with my pretty little paper just perfect, all decorated with the glitter of false humility, and "glory halleluah's and praise the Lords...." then I don't want that kind of faith anymore. I have questions. I have hurts. I have "work" I know it is not a prettily wrapped up box. The bow is tattered, and the paper is ripped up a bit.....It is messy. For now, I guess it is gonna be me wading in this messy swamp....just me and God. I am sticking with my "few" women....and my list gets smaller each day. In this, I feel so alone. I want to be authentic. I just suppose this is what it is supposed to be anyway....just God and me?